What better way to start off a new series of confessionals with the bare truth about my experience in the industry.
I am 10 months retired now, and I certainly have my moments that I miss without a doubt. The money is a huge factor, small amount of time input/high payout per hour will always be attractive for “quick cash”. Whilst I have moved away from the bill for time mindset through my business journey, selling outcomes is more of where my energy is focused these days.
I want to touch on the emotional rollercoaster of my time in the industry, what I loved, what I wish was still part of my life, and what I am glad I don’t have to deal with any longer.
Sex work is a job like no other, one where every day is different, every person you meet or merely digitally interact with all have their place in my once unspoken history book; until now.
Some days you meet the most delightful humans, and the number of times I have walked out after those bookings and cried because of how respected and well treated I was, I honestly cannot count. I found myself constantly comparing my Charlie life to my personal life and I always wondered to myself, why these people who have never met me before or have spent “on the clock” time with me by transactional arrangement treat me better than those who get direct access to me in my real world. This is a huge part of the industry I miss the most.
Some of my clients were and probably continue to be the most wonderful people. I recall a time a client went out of his way to gift me a simple box of chocolates, now it wasn’t anything fancy by any stretch, he just reached out to ask what I liked, but he made the effort. It is the effort I was so blown away by. As sad as it is to admit, even in past personal relationships the only time I have ever been gifted anything as a “was thinking of you” was two bunches of flowers from a now ex-boyfriend after I found out he had been cheating on me for 8 months with an old flame and was begging forgiveness. I know what you’re starting to think- that I am the typical materialistic girl- but you couldn’t be more wrong.
My love languages are acts of service and quality time. Show me that you are thinking of me and if that’s just picking up a Santa clause weed on your morning walk and bringing it home, this is something I would treasure. I don’t believe there is any greater feeling than knowing someone cares and has taken a general interest in what makes you smile.
Since leaving the in-person scene I have increasingly found just how lonely it is on the outside. I’ve worked pretty much every weekend since I was 21, I am now 31. My friendships have suffered, not only because most of them would work during the week, and have weekends free, but also to the nature of the industry people generally do distance themselves from you, even if they won’t say it directly to your face. I am quite confident in saying that most industry workers have experienced some type of social loss, that being friends, family and relationships. This world is hard, and it’s not for the weak. We sacrifice a lot to put ourselves first, and that can sometimes leave us in a very lonely place.
Thank God for pets, as they are our unspoken saviors in our world. Our community is powerful, and we all share an understanding of what each other goes through, even if we live in other parts of the world. Whilst our stories are all uniquely different, it is common ground we find comfort in, and know that most of the time people who are living this life are some of the most understanding out there. Don’t get me wrong, friendships in this industry aren’t easy either, but I can confidently say that I have met some of the most loyal and truly beautiful people who I will treasure my friendships with for life.
There are also plenty of aspects of the industry that I am glad to be rid of. As time went on, I found myself with growing resentment to the actual labors of the job. The vulnerability of being naked in front of strangers, knowing that they’re sizing you up against your photos and then attempting to fulfil whatever fantasy that was running through their mind was a guessing game like no other. This mentally exhausted me in the end, and I just got to a point where there was no amount of money that was worth it to me. My conscience took over, no matter how hard I tried to fight it.
I naturally felt the pressures from my partner at the time, whilst he never admitted he had a problem with the work, I knew deep down that wasn’t the truth. As time went on, I found out our relationship was full of lies, and I learnt some hurtful truths about how he’s spoken about other women in the industry in the past. This made me physically sick to the core, and to this day I wonder if the reason he hid me from his family for nearly 2 years was because of his own internal disrespect towards me- even after I wasn’t working any more. Some wounds will never heal, and this is one.
Whilst there were plenty of amazing moments, there were some very low times in this industry too. I hope by reintroducing a new series of the confessionals to you all that you can creatively ask all the deep questions, where I can share my history and give you valuable insight into some things that are still brushed under the rug to this day.
I am grateful for where I am in life right now, whilst I am a constant work in progress, my passion for the industry will never dwindle and if I can help make it a more open and safer space, then I feel my job here is done.
Until the next,